Publishing Mergers to Become the New Adult Dystopian Vampires

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Publishing mergers are in the wind a lot these days.

It’s not so much that I think one entity, possibly Amazon, wants to rule the entire universe, it’s that merging and acquiring has become somehow fashionable. Mergers and Acquisitions are the new vampires, the new dystopias, the new New Adults. They’re trendy. I don’t think it will be long before individual authors will cotton onto this trend creating literary hybrids never before imagined. Here are some suggestions:

In a hostile takeover, Cassandra Clare will acquire  John Green. All of John Green’s beautiful eloquent and/or dead teenagers will be tattooed and put to work killing demons, which will severely impede their opportunities to wax poetical about books they read and thoughts they had while gazing at the stars. Many fans will cry. Others will laugh. No one will be prepared to say either way whether this is a good thing.

Neil Gaiman will merge with Doctor Who. Not the production company behind Doctor Who, nor the actor who plays Doctor Who, the ACTUAL Doctor Who. No one will notice.

E. L James will become a majority shareholder of Stephanie Meyer. Stephanie Meyer will react by selling her remaining shares to George R. R. Martin and taking the black, becoming the first female (and the first Mormon) member of the Night’s Watch.

ANNA AND THE FRENCH KISS and ANNA DRESSED IN BLOOD will merge into a new and terrifying book called ANNA DRESSED IN FRENCH AND KISSED IN BLOOD. It will be the number one most challenged book of that year for sheer inscrutability.

Cory Doctorow will acquire Gideons International and proceed to place copies of LITTLE BROTHER in hotel rooms around the world. The changeover will be greeted with universal approval.

THE GIRL WHO CIRCUMNAVIGATED FAIRYLAND IN A SHIP OF HER OWN MAKING will merge with MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL  and EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX (BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK) creating the longest book title in the history of publishing as well as a new and mostly unmarketable genre.

There will be cross platform merging too:

Christianity will merge with Bernie Botts Every Flavour Beans in a last ditch effort to make itself relevant to a younger generation.

Self-published eBooks will merge with self-promoting eHarmony profiles. No one will notice.

Manga will merge with Magnum, creating a chocolaty animated ice-cream fetishistic adventures that you eat from back to front.

Steam Punk will merge with Daft punk. It will be utterly awesome.

Cosplay will merge with Coldplay. People will say “I’m just surprised it didn’t happen sooner.”

Pope Francis will merge with the estate of Dick Francis and pen crime novels set in the Vatican, putting Dan Brown out of a job.

Dan Brown will acquire the Republic of Cyprus.

Amazon will acquire NASA, the Republican Party, Tom Cruise, the last samples of the smallpox virus, Jupiter, the Antarctic, Frank’s Hot Sauce, Las Vegas, your belief in the fundamental goodness of the human spirit, Wayne Gretsky, socialized medicine, Camp David, Grumpy Cat and that fluff everyone’s dryers before finally Walmart takes away their credit card and makes them clean their room.

Walmart will acquire God only to open the box and find that it’s empty. Richard Dawkins will snigger into his tea. God will send Richard Dawkins either an empty box or a box with a cat in it, just to mess with him.

Life will go on, as predicted.

One thought on “Publishing Mergers to Become the New Adult Dystopian Vampires

  1. Back in the day, I sold advertising in technology publications. We went through a time when ad agencies were merging, publications were merging, and technology companies were merging. We would joke about how someday there would be one agency, one publication, and one customer company. It didn’t look good for us in sales. It didn’t come to pass, of course, but everything changed and not necessarily for the better from the point of view of ad salespeople. I don’t think any of this in the publishing business will be good for those of us trying to sell manuscripts. Sure wish I’d skipped the advertising business and started writing at a time when chances were better for writers.

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